Fear.
I feel like I am living my life in fear an awful lot lately - if not for many, many, many years. I have fear about sharing my true self when teaching yoga. I hold back. I have fear about going into wheel pose. I fear making a fool of myself. I fear failing at anything I do. I fear having to figure out how to pay the bills. I fear not knowing what my future will look like. I fear having children. I fear that I will never have enough, even though I know I'm supposed to believe I already have everything that I could ever need. The list could go on...
I'm not exactly sure where this fear came from, though I have my suspicions. But what is most frustrating to me is that I do not know how to bring fearlessness into my life. I always thought I was a person that took risks, but am I? I thought I lived passionately, but do I? Or do I actually "live passionately" vicariously through my husband and his passions? Right now I have fear that I won't be able to figure out how to live fearlessly!!
I do know that I put up a wall between me and others. I put up a wall between me and my immediate family for many years. I even put on a mask with different groups of my friends at times. Am I scared of what my true self looks like? Am I scared of what I will find?
I don't know the answer. And I don't even really know where to begin. For now I plan to keep journaling, to maintain my meditation practice, and to keep working through it. I'm on a mission to break down my walls and embody fearlessness; and I guess the only way to get there is to start.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Coordinating Your Mind
I've loved teaching yoga ever since I became officially certified. In fact, I can't stop. I keep asking my friends, family, anyone, to let me teach them. I begged my mom to let me teach her when I visit MN in September. She's a trooper, so she said sure, "just remember I'm not real coordinated, but it would be fun to try."
That got me to thinking: Who is really coordinated? Are some of us born coordinated while some of us aren't? Maybe. Or maybe we are all born one way, then the experiences in our lives lead us to how we act or feel today.
Surely I did not feel coordinated when I started yoga. My legs were always bent because my hamstrings were extremely tight. I'd fall over in tree and dancer and eagle pose (in fact, I still do!). But as I keep practicing, and as I envision a new place for my body to go to (like being able to balance gracefully or someday come into headstand), these poses become a reality for me. It may take decades for me to get there, or it could take just minutes. I have learned - through yoga - not to worry about that. That life is the journey and I will get to certain places along the journey when I am meant to, and I will face and overcome all of the obstacles that are planned for me. But throughout it all, I have to trust in God, the universe, a higher power, whatever you feel in your heart, to carry me on my path, into the right spot at the right time, in my perfect body as it is today.
But taking this journey doesn't mean that we sit back and continue to do what is familiar, what we know. We have to take risks in order to grow. Opportunities are presented to us each day where we can choose to take the risk, try something new, and grow into a bigger person. Or we can choose to stay in our comfort zone, while our journey passes us by. Why not try yoga, even if you feel un-coordinated? One day in practice there could be a shift, and you just might feel that you ARE coordinated.
I encourage you to take a look at your life and determine where you can walk a little closer to the edge. Where can you take that first step and try something that your heart has been telling you to do, but which you haven't yet? Where is there room for a little more joy, fun, happiness, and playfulness in your life? Life is short, why not just TRY, and as my mom said, let it "be fun!"
That got me to thinking: Who is really coordinated? Are some of us born coordinated while some of us aren't? Maybe. Or maybe we are all born one way, then the experiences in our lives lead us to how we act or feel today.
Surely I did not feel coordinated when I started yoga. My legs were always bent because my hamstrings were extremely tight. I'd fall over in tree and dancer and eagle pose (in fact, I still do!). But as I keep practicing, and as I envision a new place for my body to go to (like being able to balance gracefully or someday come into headstand), these poses become a reality for me. It may take decades for me to get there, or it could take just minutes. I have learned - through yoga - not to worry about that. That life is the journey and I will get to certain places along the journey when I am meant to, and I will face and overcome all of the obstacles that are planned for me. But throughout it all, I have to trust in God, the universe, a higher power, whatever you feel in your heart, to carry me on my path, into the right spot at the right time, in my perfect body as it is today.
But taking this journey doesn't mean that we sit back and continue to do what is familiar, what we know. We have to take risks in order to grow. Opportunities are presented to us each day where we can choose to take the risk, try something new, and grow into a bigger person. Or we can choose to stay in our comfort zone, while our journey passes us by. Why not try yoga, even if you feel un-coordinated? One day in practice there could be a shift, and you just might feel that you ARE coordinated.
I encourage you to take a look at your life and determine where you can walk a little closer to the edge. Where can you take that first step and try something that your heart has been telling you to do, but which you haven't yet? Where is there room for a little more joy, fun, happiness, and playfulness in your life? Life is short, why not just TRY, and as my mom said, let it "be fun!"
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Meditation - It's For Me
I've had a steady meditation practice for five months now where I sit for at least 10 minutes almost every day. Five months doesn't seem like that long of a time, but it feels long to me because it's helped my life a lot in just this short time. I have also been wanting - and trying - to meditate for many years now, but I couldn't get into a routine practice.
But this post is not about how or why I started meditating. Instead, I want to share with you the subtle changes it has made in my life. First of all, on days that I don't meditate in the morning, I can tell. I move through my day almost lethargic, with less passion, a sometimes foggy brain, and often have feelings of discontent. But when I do meditate, the opposite happens. I make better decisions and am more focused. I am less reactive at work and to my husband, and I have a slight smile to my face most of the day. Even the sky looks bluer and the clouds fluffier. For these reasons I find it most important for me to carve out meditation time in the morning vs. at night, though I still enjoy my night meditation as it helps to clear my mind and leads to a good night sleep.
I led my husband and I through a meditation last night before bed. Meditating is new to him, and I respect him for wanting to try something that is so important to me. It was hard for him to get comfortable, and he broke out laughing when I referenced "your true essence," as phrases like that are new to him. But he stuck with it for a whole ten minutes - and said that his mind had never been so clear. He didn't think about work, or his to-do list, but he sat peacefully. Hopefully he will join me again!
So even if meditation, or yoga, is a foreign concept to you, open your mind and your heart up to it. You can start small, or perhaps you dive right in, but just try it. Be OK with being uncomfortable with something you are unfamiliar with. Be OK with not being perfect at something. Be OK with taking some time just for your self. Some days will be good, some days, well, not so good; but little by little - if you stick with it - meditation and yoga will change your life and keep you in a happy place.
But this post is not about how or why I started meditating. Instead, I want to share with you the subtle changes it has made in my life. First of all, on days that I don't meditate in the morning, I can tell. I move through my day almost lethargic, with less passion, a sometimes foggy brain, and often have feelings of discontent. But when I do meditate, the opposite happens. I make better decisions and am more focused. I am less reactive at work and to my husband, and I have a slight smile to my face most of the day. Even the sky looks bluer and the clouds fluffier. For these reasons I find it most important for me to carve out meditation time in the morning vs. at night, though I still enjoy my night meditation as it helps to clear my mind and leads to a good night sleep.
I led my husband and I through a meditation last night before bed. Meditating is new to him, and I respect him for wanting to try something that is so important to me. It was hard for him to get comfortable, and he broke out laughing when I referenced "your true essence," as phrases like that are new to him. But he stuck with it for a whole ten minutes - and said that his mind had never been so clear. He didn't think about work, or his to-do list, but he sat peacefully. Hopefully he will join me again!
So even if meditation, or yoga, is a foreign concept to you, open your mind and your heart up to it. You can start small, or perhaps you dive right in, but just try it. Be OK with being uncomfortable with something you are unfamiliar with. Be OK with not being perfect at something. Be OK with taking some time just for your self. Some days will be good, some days, well, not so good; but little by little - if you stick with it - meditation and yoga will change your life and keep you in a happy place.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Media & Your Mind
I have to admit that over the last month I have become a huge CSI fan. While I've never seen the shows before, I was quickly drawn into the clue-chasing mysteries and the fascinating technologies and tools they use to solve the crimes. I found myself watching a new episode on On Demand TV each night.
Then I noticed a change in myself: While walking my dog Cuda at night, I was a bit fearful of the dark street and what might be around the corner. I started double locking the doors and had a bit of anxiety staying in my house one night while Mike was in Oakland. I carried a sense of mis-trust to strangers I would see on the street. So I began to wonder, "why is this?"
I realized that because I had been filling my evenings with dramas of murder mystery, this became a reality in my life. I never before had these thoughts of horror or human acts of violence, but now they were there in my subconscious, telling me that this is how life is. I never understood the argument that horror and war movies, gangster rap, gruesome books, and other areas of the media influence our society, especially kids. But I see now how one TV show has made a change in my life. What if these movies and books didn't exist? Would there be less war, murder, rape, etc. in the world?
Start to notice how what you watch on TV, read, or who you hang out with impacts your life. Can you surround yourself with more positive things or people that in turn make your life happier, more joyful, and more fulfilling? Perhaps its time to turn off the nightly news, and instead spend some time with your family in conversation, or spend some time with yourself in meditation.
Then I noticed a change in myself: While walking my dog Cuda at night, I was a bit fearful of the dark street and what might be around the corner. I started double locking the doors and had a bit of anxiety staying in my house one night while Mike was in Oakland. I carried a sense of mis-trust to strangers I would see on the street. So I began to wonder, "why is this?"
I realized that because I had been filling my evenings with dramas of murder mystery, this became a reality in my life. I never before had these thoughts of horror or human acts of violence, but now they were there in my subconscious, telling me that this is how life is. I never understood the argument that horror and war movies, gangster rap, gruesome books, and other areas of the media influence our society, especially kids. But I see now how one TV show has made a change in my life. What if these movies and books didn't exist? Would there be less war, murder, rape, etc. in the world?
Start to notice how what you watch on TV, read, or who you hang out with impacts your life. Can you surround yourself with more positive things or people that in turn make your life happier, more joyful, and more fulfilling? Perhaps its time to turn off the nightly news, and instead spend some time with your family in conversation, or spend some time with yourself in meditation.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Trust Your Intuition
When Mike left town on Saturday our dryer stopped working, like something was jammed in the motor. Meanwhile a major stench started filling our laundry room getting worse each day. I had my suspisions so waited until Mike got home late Monday night. He opened the piping leading to the dryer and sure enough, found that a snake had crawled into the machine, got caught in the motor, and died. It was overtaken by maggots, it was decomposing, and it had become the most disgusting thing I have ever smelled.
I have always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman; but was very glad I was able to leave this for my husband to deal with.
Hmmm... so what does this have to do with happy life yoga? Well, something inside of me started connecting the stench and the broken dryer, even though I had never experienced anything like that before. Luckily I trusted my gut, and let my husband "investigate the murder scene" rather than I stumble upon the unfortunate experience of the poor snake. Do you ever notice that feeling in your stomach when you do something that scares you, or when you are trying to make a decision and one choice just leaves you with an upset or uneasy stomach. I believe that is your gut, your intuition, talking to you. Sometimes I can hear it clearly, and sometimes I am so out of tune with myself, that I barely feel the intuitive glimpses pulsing through my body...
I encourage you to experiment with ways to dive closer into your intuitive self. When you feel the tiny glimpses of intuition (maybe that's a queasy stomach, maybe its your fluttering heart, whatever it might be) pause, listen to them, and FEEL them, before you move forward. You'll then be in a better position to do what is right for you in your life right NOW.
I once heard somewhere that if you don't feel good, then you didn't make the right decision. I can tell you now, I feel GREAT about letting Mike find that snake on his own! :) Thanks hunny!!
Peace, and trust your gut!
I have always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman; but was very glad I was able to leave this for my husband to deal with.
Hmmm... so what does this have to do with happy life yoga? Well, something inside of me started connecting the stench and the broken dryer, even though I had never experienced anything like that before. Luckily I trusted my gut, and let my husband "investigate the murder scene" rather than I stumble upon the unfortunate experience of the poor snake. Do you ever notice that feeling in your stomach when you do something that scares you, or when you are trying to make a decision and one choice just leaves you with an upset or uneasy stomach. I believe that is your gut, your intuition, talking to you. Sometimes I can hear it clearly, and sometimes I am so out of tune with myself, that I barely feel the intuitive glimpses pulsing through my body...
I encourage you to experiment with ways to dive closer into your intuitive self. When you feel the tiny glimpses of intuition (maybe that's a queasy stomach, maybe its your fluttering heart, whatever it might be) pause, listen to them, and FEEL them, before you move forward. You'll then be in a better position to do what is right for you in your life right NOW.
I once heard somewhere that if you don't feel good, then you didn't make the right decision. I can tell you now, I feel GREAT about letting Mike find that snake on his own! :) Thanks hunny!!
Peace, and trust your gut!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Addicted To Travel?
I shared with some friends last night that I think I'm additcted to travelling. I looked at my calendar this month and saw that I was not getting on an airplane until September 11th! Wow, so much time at home! Then a few days later I saw on Facebook a fun golf outing towards the end of August that many of my college friends were attending in Minnesota and immediately looked up flights. I don't want to miss out, I thought. But for the first time in my life I paused, took a step back for a moment, and didn't press the purchase button on kayak.com.
"Why do I always need to be travelling?" I asked myself. Tricky question... with many answers. There are so many things I want in my life that travelling actually gets in the way of. I wish I had more time to read, to meditate, to do crafty art projects, to write, to make closer friends. And especially recently, I want to establish a routine yoga class that I can teach each week that doesn't interfere with my job. That's rather difficult if I am going away each weekend. The reasons that I want to travel are many too: I want to keep in touch with my old friends and family; I want to take advantage of my ability to travel now that I don't have kids; I don't want to miss out on life... But as I thought through that last reason I came to realize that travelling is actually causing me to miss out on my life, my life that is happening right now, here in Naples.
For so long I have struggled with Naples becoming my "home." I have found it hard to meet friends and find a community that suits me. So I pack my bag and go on a trip, clinging to my past. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends that don't live in Florida and absolutley cherish the time I do get to spend with them; but realize that my travel addiction is taking away from other things I find sacred in my life, and especially from allowing me to feel at home where I currently live. What am I afraid of? Why can't I just be where I am?
People are addicted to many things in our society: drugs, alcohol, work, cigarettes, food, gambling, exercising, multi-tasking, the list can go on and on... One common theme among addictions is that they cover up true feelings we are experiencing (that maybe don't feel so good) and keep our attention so we don't have to face the feelings. Part of me is afraid of opening up and allowing Naples to be my home (by maintaining friendships and teaching a regular yoga class for example). When I was young my family moved around a lot for my father's job so I think I am afraid of becoming too close to others and to a happy life here because I don't want to deal with the hurt and sadness of leaving a place again that feels like home. Just realizing this was powerful for me.
Think about what your addictions might be. Think about the things you say yes to that you don't really want to do. Ponder what you really want out of your life right now. What is taking up your time and energy that prohibits you from doing the things you find sacred in your life.
I love travel, and will continue to do it; but I am forcing myself to live here in my home, in my life as it currently is. I listed the things I want more of in my life at the beginning of this post and realize that travel is keeping me from doing those things. I have to learn to find a balance and to say no to travelling some times. Where can you say no, so that you can say yes to a happy life?
"Why do I always need to be travelling?" I asked myself. Tricky question... with many answers. There are so many things I want in my life that travelling actually gets in the way of. I wish I had more time to read, to meditate, to do crafty art projects, to write, to make closer friends. And especially recently, I want to establish a routine yoga class that I can teach each week that doesn't interfere with my job. That's rather difficult if I am going away each weekend. The reasons that I want to travel are many too: I want to keep in touch with my old friends and family; I want to take advantage of my ability to travel now that I don't have kids; I don't want to miss out on life... But as I thought through that last reason I came to realize that travelling is actually causing me to miss out on my life, my life that is happening right now, here in Naples.
For so long I have struggled with Naples becoming my "home." I have found it hard to meet friends and find a community that suits me. So I pack my bag and go on a trip, clinging to my past. Now don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends that don't live in Florida and absolutley cherish the time I do get to spend with them; but realize that my travel addiction is taking away from other things I find sacred in my life, and especially from allowing me to feel at home where I currently live. What am I afraid of? Why can't I just be where I am?
People are addicted to many things in our society: drugs, alcohol, work, cigarettes, food, gambling, exercising, multi-tasking, the list can go on and on... One common theme among addictions is that they cover up true feelings we are experiencing (that maybe don't feel so good) and keep our attention so we don't have to face the feelings. Part of me is afraid of opening up and allowing Naples to be my home (by maintaining friendships and teaching a regular yoga class for example). When I was young my family moved around a lot for my father's job so I think I am afraid of becoming too close to others and to a happy life here because I don't want to deal with the hurt and sadness of leaving a place again that feels like home. Just realizing this was powerful for me.
Think about what your addictions might be. Think about the things you say yes to that you don't really want to do. Ponder what you really want out of your life right now. What is taking up your time and energy that prohibits you from doing the things you find sacred in your life.
I love travel, and will continue to do it; but I am forcing myself to live here in my home, in my life as it currently is. I listed the things I want more of in my life at the beginning of this post and realize that travel is keeping me from doing those things. I have to learn to find a balance and to say no to travelling some times. Where can you say no, so that you can say yes to a happy life?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
What Is Happy Life Yoga?
What makes a happy life? I was hesitant to name this blog Happy Life Yoga because, as Lululemon says, "the pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness," which I agree with. The more you strive to be happy, the less happy you are with where you are currently at. For example, I have thought many times: I will finally be happy here in Naples once I buy a house, once I make more friends, once I lose five pounds, once I become a yoga teacher, once I go on vacation, once I [[fill in the blank]]. But what about where I am at now in my life? It is important to set goals and to learn and grow, but accomplishing something, checking something off your list, won't bring you lasting happiness. You may be happy when you get that new car, but then you want something else, and life becomes a series of wanting and getting, instead of embracing the current moment for how beautiful and special it is. I find peace in totally accepting where I am at, and being grateful for the many amazing things I do have in my life.
I have learned many times in my head that the pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness, but I think I am just beginning to understand it in my heart...
But I DID decide to name this blog Happy Life Yoga because yoga has made my life happy :) It has changed me and I want to share it with the world. And I don't mean just the physical practice of yoga, but also taking yoga off my mat and living yoga philosophies in my life.
I have learned many times in my head that the pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness, but I think I am just beginning to understand it in my heart...
But I DID decide to name this blog Happy Life Yoga because yoga has made my life happy :) It has changed me and I want to share it with the world. And I don't mean just the physical practice of yoga, but also taking yoga off my mat and living yoga philosophies in my life.
Seven Months Later - A Certified Teacher
Here I am seven months later after completing the 200-hour RYA certified yoga teacher training at Bala Vinyasa. I wish I would have documented my experiences on this blog throughout the training - as they were transformative and life changing - but I didn't. However, one thing I learned is that this is a thousand-year process, that I will ALWAYS be a student, and I will ALWAYS continue to learn and grow. So I will not beat myself up for what I did - or didn't do - in the past, and will keep moving forward.
That means I will share on this blog what I continue to learn about yoga, myself, and living a "happy life," as I have so much more to share!!
That means I will share on this blog what I continue to learn about yoga, myself, and living a "happy life," as I have so much more to share!!
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