I had a review of one of my yoga classes with Debi, our Director of Teacher Development, last week. Part of the review requires me to videotape my classes, pick a class that's on the better side, then watch it with Debi. Through this process, I give myself feedback and get to see how my teaching is landing in students bodies (and hearts). Debi gives me feedback as well.
I have been teaching yoga now for just over two years. I feel I have come a LONG way from where I began, and of course, there is always room to grow. This new career path I have chosen is one that requires me to be open to feedback and to continually assess where I can open up more, let go more, and hold back less. It's not easy, but it adds to who I am as a whole (not just as a yoga teacher) to make me a better person all around.
In the past three years I have been through a 200-Hour Teacher Training Certification Program; Baptiste Level 1, Level 2, Foundations in Action, Journey Into Power Immersion, Art of Assisting, and even assisted a Foundations in Action; a week-long Off The Mat Into The World training with Seane Corn; and my own personal therapy with an Integrative Life Guide. So I was disappointed (to say the least) when while reviewing my class with Debi, many of the same issues (that I have dealt with in each of the aforementioned programs!) were still showing up in me and my teaching. Sighhhhhhhh....
I remember Baron Baptiste saying, "the bad news is the good news." Ok, so what good can come of this knowing that my same issues are still present.
First, let me explain some of what Debi helped me realize while reviewing my video. Part of the way I live my life (thus how I teach) is from experiences in my childhood that created a false "lie." (If you have done any teacher trainings with Baron Baptiste or BV Yoga, you know exactly what this "lie" is and what YOUR own lie is!) To keep this blog short, my lie is that I am alone and not wanted. And how this lie looks in my teaching (and my life - it shows up everywhere!) is that I hold back. I only let people in a little bit, because I believe, in some unconscious level perhaps, they don't want to get to know me more, or they will eventually leave so why get too close. The funny thing about my lie is that instead of being who I am to let others in, I be who I think they want me to be so that they do want me!
Are you following? So how this showed up in my teaching on the videotaped class is me teaching through a filter. Instead of being myself and saying what comes into my head, I filter it (what will they think of me if I say this or say it this way?) and edit it (let me say it this way so it sounds better, or so I sound like the person I think they want me to be). I try to keep myself in a pretty, clean package. But, as Debi helped me realize, that keeps people out and not connecting to me. Because in truth none of us are pretty packages, no matter how hard we try to make ourselves look that way. We all have baggage, ugly sides, and past experiences that we wouldn't choose to post on Facebook about. But that makes us relatable. We don't have to air our dirty laundry; but we don't have to always get everything right and be something perfect that we are not.
Like I said, I was disappointed that this was coming up for me again. (If you follow my blog, you've probably read similar accounts in the past!) But Debi helped me realize that my lie is a part of me. It will always be there. And just like my past, I don't have to cover my lie up and act like it never happened. Instead I can embrace it. It's who I am. When I see my lie taking over, I can say, "No thank you. I've got this. Take a back seat." Awareness is powerful.
I am understanding that my lie will never go away, that I will constantly have work to do. But I can keep asking it to take the back seat, and keep challenging myself to move forward: to let others in, to allow myself to be messy, to drop my editing and filtering and just be authentically me. The bad news is the good news.
